How to Persuade the One You Love

Or Anyone Else

Persuasion is the art of convincing others to do what you want them to do.  Why do some people create wonderful, happy, loving and reciprocal relationships while others continually struggle?  Why do some people easily get hired for a job, hire conscientious and loyal employees, build a team of dedicated co-workers or easily sell their products and services to eager customers?

2013-09-23_2134Understanding the art of persuasion can transform your life in every area, including your own health and wellness.  When you have difficulty persuading others to say and do what you want them to do, you will discover that you also have a similar difficulty persuading yourself.  You plan to go on a diet to lose weight.  If you are persuasive, you will easily tone down the hungry child inside of you, the voice that keeps pushing you to indulge in fattening foods.  If you are persuasive, you will push through the early pain in a long distance aerobic workout or keep lifting more weights after your body starts saying “No.”  If you know how to persuade, you can easily persuade yourself to do what is in your own best interest for your long term goals.  You cannot convince others to do anything that you can’t even convince yourself to do consistently, with enthusiasm and with definiteness of purpose.

Persuasion Includes 6 Key Elements

    • Reciprocity – You do a favor for someone and they reciprocate by doing something for you.  However, people don’t always respond instantly.  You may find yourself giving many times before the other person suddenly surprises you with a gift you didn’t expect.  If you give and expect immediate ROG (return on giving), you will easily be disappointed and give up too soon. When you give freely to another person it becomes easier to influence and persuade that person to do what you want.  They may feel guilty to not having done enough or obligated or just grateful for what they have received.
    • Social Validation – If you are married to a beautiful woman or a handsome man who constantly receives stares and compliments from friends and relatives and strangers, just by association you will probably have a sense of validation.  You may feel proud to be seen with this person.  It appears to increase your own value in the eyes of others, the value that comes from associating with someone attractive.  It is easier to be persuaded by someone who helps you to feel socially validated when you are with him or her.
    • Consistency – If you give sometimes and then withhold at other times, if you dress to the hilt on some occasions and let yourself be sloppy and unkempt on other occasions, you are not providing consistency in your appearance.  If you sometimes arrive on time and often arrive late, if you get the tasks done as promised only once in a while, if you often don’t keep your promises, it will become increasingly difficult to convince someone to do what you want when you want it.
    • Authority – One of the most exasperating experiences is to attempt to argue about legal issues with an attorney, about money with an accountant, about emotions with a psychotherapist, about anything with someone perceived as an authority.  Even if you present more accurate facts and a much more comprehensive argument, the person in authority retains the upper hand.  If you want to be persuasive in your relationships, strive to become an authority.  Read appropriate books, watch lectures and presentations by leading experts, move into circles with relationship professionals, and learn about the dynamics of human relationships.
    • Liking – It is well known that people like to do business with other people that they know, like and trust.  But somehow, in our most intimate relationships, we tend to assume that we are automatically known for who we are, liked exactly as we are, and trusted without confirmation.  But relationships and intimacy don’t work that way.  Just as we need to build these qualities into every friendship and business association, we absolutely need to provide this with our most intimate partners.  Our partner may feel physically attracted to us but may not like us if we do not provide reciprocity, social validation, consistency, authority, and loving kindness.  Many relationships last a long time without a sense of liking each other – perhaps there is a financial or emotional need but there is also a sense of lacking something important.
    • Scarcity – Marketers know the value of creating a sense of scarcity.  To sell our products and services, we will do well to give a special bonus or discount for a limited period of time.  When choosing a lifetime partner, we want to feel that this person is unique in some way, that we cannot find those exact qualities in another person.  Think of all the movies we’ve seen in which a guy loses his girlfriend and then sees her with someone else and suddenly can’t live without her.  Before he broke up with her, when she wanted him to make a commitment, he may have been impossible to persuade.  But once he  begins to feel that she is unique and special and if he doesn’t do something immediately he will lose her, that sense of scarcity has persuaded him.

How persuasive are you in your business?  How persuasive are you in your relationships?  And finally, how persuasive are you with yourself?  Do you keep your word to yourself about whatever you promise you are going to do?

CALL ME to become a POWERFUL PERSUADER now.  What are you waiting for?

I would love to hear from you.  Please share your thoughts in a comment below.



The following two tabs change content below.
Dr. Erica Goodstone is a Spiritual Relationship Healing Expert helping men and women heal their bodies and their relationships through love. Having presented her comprehensive relationship healing programs throughout the U.S. and Canada over several decades, she has helped literally 1000's of men and women to heal through learning how to love. Dr. Erica believes "Where There is Love There IS a Way". When you love, accept, listen and pay attention to your body, trust your own sense of what you truly desire, and strive to understand, appreciate and really know the other people in your life, anything and everything is possible.

Latest posts by Dr. Erica Goodstone (see all)

32 thoughts on “How to Persuade the One You Love

  1. Hi Dr. Erica,

    Well, this post has persuaded me to become more conscious of the underlying concepts of persuasion when I’m dealing, uh, interacting, with people.

    Of course persuasion is a loaded term as it hints of manipulation. On the other hand, persuasion as education reframes the process into a morally acceptable endeavor – a process you’ve covered well here. Thank you,

    • Hi Ed,

      We are often attempting to persuade others, whether we call it that or not. Especially when we want to create a joint business
      venture or pursue a romantic relationship, we often plan what we will say and do in advance to influence the other person in our
      desired direction. We either do it consciously or unconsciously, ethically or unethically. Most important is to be truthful and
      authentic, not to promise something we cannot and will not deliver, and not with the intention of taking away the other
      person’s right to decide.

      Dr. Erica

  2. Your advice is truly spot on Dr.Erica!

    With regards to exactly what it takes to both be persuasive
    and go about persuading others.

    Your six key elements make perfect sense! I really like what you shared about being consistent and authority. Because I’ve certainly had a go around or two, with someone that’s a recognized authority!LOL!

    And part of what you shared about having difficulty persuading others, might also be linked to not being persuaded yourself.

    That sounds like an awful lot of wannabe affiliate marketers! They’re trying to sell (especially) high end ticket products and or services, they don’t personally use!LOL!
    Great and extremely insightful advice!thanks so much for sharing it!

    • Mark,

      When you mention “consistent” I realize I have been guilty of not being consistent with sending emails to my lists. At certain periods like when I was on 4 different love summits I sent 1 or 2 emails every week, but then, unless they are still receiving my autoresponder series they may not hear from me for quite some time. That is not consistency and people lose interest.

      It is so important to build yourself as an authority, either through training, skill development or research and alliances.

      There is a lot that needs to be done, and consistently, to create the type of business or love relationship desired.


      Dr. Erica

  3. Thank you Dr Goodstone for bringing quality that encourages us to think. <y business in the non-profit sector calls for me to hone my persuasive skills on a regular basis. Your article helped me consider areas that need a bit of work.
    I look forward to more goodness from you.

    Know that YOU have made a difference today!


    Terrific Tonya Heathco, President & Founder
    National Seizure Disorders Foundation
    "Bringing Order to Seizure Disorders"

    • Tonya,

      Thanks for your kind words. Glad you found the content in this article helpful. It’s a reminder that if we pay attention to these essential qualities, we really can have the influence we desire in all areas of our life. And we can truly make a difference where it counts.

      Dr. Erica

  4. Revisit:

    I wanted to say something about living in a state of gratitude. You would not pretend to be a giver? I found that when I give, each day to someone. I do not expect anything in return. I do it from my core, belief. Appreciation of them in my life. They, maybe someone I just met. Then, a real need manifest for them. They, humble themselves and ask for support. I give without wanting anything in return.

    However, I pray they just pay it forward!

    • William,

      When you give without expecting something in return it is such a relief for the receiver. At certain points, people do not feel ready or inclined to give back. So I love that you just hope they will pay it forward. Often they do, at a later point, because in hindsight they remember the good thing you did for them and when they are in a more ready state, they may give to someone who needs it from them.

      Dr. Erica

  5. Yes, making it a point to feel confident in what I am sharing. Then, loving it with being enthusiastic about everything I present. If you do not believe, then you can not share your perspective with others.

    What madness it is to hear people sharing something. That they do not even use, or believe in. That is a huge problem They are driven by making that buck!

    Thank you Dr. Erica for giving us motivation and guidance to make it through challenges.

  6. The skill of truly listening to what others are saying, in both professional and personal relationships, offers great insights. I always find it hard to be the listener, but when I can manage it it becomes so much easier to see the other persons point of view. That helps with all levels of communication and persausion!

    • Dawn,

      It can be really difficult to listen without jumping in to share your own point of view. But we are all listen starved and are so grateful when someone really listens and hears what we are saying and trying to say.


      Dr. Erica

  7. I know this is addressing mostly business relationships and couples, but it brings to mind some lesson I learned when I had a houseful of young children.

    One of the best pieces of advice anyone ever gave me was, “Don’t think of your children as an extension of yourself.” I think I did pretty well, but still there were times when I expected my children to see things my way just because I told them so. Yes, I was one of THOSE moms who vowed never to say “Because I said so”, and proceeded to do it many times with my kids.

    Another wise piece of advice was, “Don’t try to control your children.” Sure, you have to control them when they’re really little, but as they get older, it’s not about control, but about guidance and encouragement in the best paths. So many times I’ve seen parents holding the reins too tightly with their teenage kids, and when those kids reached 15 or 16 or 18, they turned their backs on their parents and all of the values they had been taught, and went down some dangerous paths.


    • Willena,

      You are sharing some important insights about relationships. What you say about children holds true for friendships as well. I just had an experience today at a restaurant with a friend. The service was awful. We kept waiting and waiting and the food had not come. Finally, after asking several waiters and then our watiress when she eventually appeared, the food arrived -cold. When I asked the waitress if it was supposed to be cold or heated (a fish wrap) and she said “heated” I asked her to take it back in an annoyed tone. My friend proceeded to lecture me about my tone and about showing how annoyed I was. That was someone trying to control me, as if I am an extension of her and I “should” behave in some proscribed way that she thinks is appropriate. Needless to say, that triggered a discussion of the fact that I have the right to express my feelings, right or wrong.


      Dr. Erica

  8. Inspiring and well said Dr. Erica. I know from coaching that you can talk till you’re blue in the face and no matter how good the information or advice is, unless the other person is persuaded to listen and h-e-a-r what you’re saying you’re wasting your time. Thanks for the inspiration!

    • Marquita,

      There really is a technique and an art to persuasion but I find it most easily happens when we pay close attention to what another person needs – through their words, body language and actions.


      Dr. Erica

  9. Interesting article, Dr. Erica.

    Persuading others certainly begins with persuading myself, as you point out.

    And the reason “I” have been persuaded are probably the same ones that will make others take notice of the choice I have made, and be inspired to jump in the water with me.

    To me, that always leads us back to the benefits I have obtained from my choice. Others will likely be persuaded to follow in my steps if they desire the same benefits.

    • David,

      You are so right. If I make choices that lead to success and I tell others about my choices and they can see my success, then they will naturally want to make some of the same choices. The key is to make choices and be that example. That removes all the struggle and trying to convince and “selling.” Just be and let those who are interested come to you.


      Dr. Erica

  10. Interesting analogy Erica…I see my relationship as a partnership, so we both influence which is a form of persuasion but just a different resonance of it. Persuasion in a relationship can so quickly become an argument if two strong personalities are trying to persuade each other, so communication matters and adapting styles to find the happy medium I guess…I think your 6 elements are very important in business…and have made me think… 😉

    • Sharupa,

      Persuasion is not something we do one time with an attitude to influence the other person and convince him or her to do what we want at the moment. Persuasion is the art and balance of continually presenting yourself in such a way that the other person can’t help but see and know your value and your positive intentions. With that basic sense, the other person is happy and willing to please you because it feels like reciprocity rather than some sort of trickery.


      Dr. Erica

  11. Reciprocity is very important in my book as it is emotion expressed in action. Be it gratitude, approval, disappointment in a person, product, service, reciprocity is how I know the other person’s experience of me.

    Thanks for the blog post Erica.

    • Benjamin,

      I agree. Reciprocity is important in a relationship. Often, however, we fail to recognize when another person is reciprocating by giving in their own way – which may not be what we are expecting.


      Dr. Erica

  12. Hi Erica
    Thanks for your article. a good explanation on the art of convincing others.
    For me the better way to convincing people is let them realise of what are the advantages that will get doing that. Works most of the time

    • Jose,

      You are right. People want to know how they can benefit from whatever you are offering. However, in persuasion, the other person may not immediately benefit from the specific situation but you may be able to convey to that person how their agreeing with you now can give them benefits in the long run.


      Dr. Erica

  13. Very well done…..I especially like …..If you can’t Persuade yourself, how can you persuade others?…….This question kind of helps a person hold up that mirror and take a look inside themselves…..Honesty would really help in persuading ones self to change a personal situation…….Nice post……Smokey

  14. Erica,
    Many years ago I was tutored in the art of enrollment, rather than persuasion. Enrollment is a technique to have another see for themselves the value of your proposition or proposal. I certainly haven’t mastered enrollment, but those who have offer a way to influence another with kindness and empowerment.

    Wouldn’t it be better to have a meeting of the minds, a mutual consent to an agreed upon course of action? I think so.

    If you take a look at the US and the division the country faces regarding health care reform, one can see clearly how neither persuasion nor enrollment was used… and it will take it’s toll on us all. Do you think there could have been a better way to introduce health care reform?


  15. Hi Erica,

    Super message! Consistency. Show up daily. Program people to respond to your message. This approach works with my blog posts and comments. I intend to go above and beyond on a daily basis in both departments, focusing on making an impact instead of trying to hit certain numbers.

    So far, so good 😉 I love this emphasis; how can you succeed in persuading others if you cannot persuade yourself? Excellent Erica! Sell yourself before you sell other people concerning whatever you wish to persuade people to do.

    Thanks for the powerful share!


    • Hi,

      In a personal relationship, it is more difficult to keep up the consistency, remain likable, be an authority – all the qualities that help you to persuade. Part of being vulnerable and creating intimacy with a partner is to reveal your insecurities and weaknesses along with your strengths. But if you are consistently loving and your partner feels understood and acknowledged, it becomes easier to persuade them to do something you want.


      Dr. Erica

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *