Are You Ready?
Really? Are you sure? In my experience so many of us say, in words, that we want to create our special relationship but our thoughts and behaviors reveal the opposite. If you are busy blaming the other person, feeling sorry for yourself, wanting the other person to change, feeling that you are not good enough or that YOU need to change – any of that – you are revealing that you are not quite ready to create your relationships.
When you are focused on self-doubt and insecurity or anger and pointing a finger in blame, then you are automatically reacting and responding instead of consciously creating what you want.
Believe it IS Possible
The first step is to believe it IS possible to create the type of relationship you truly want. The second step is to know and tell yourself the truth about where you are right now. If you do not believe it is possible for YOU to have the kind of relationship you truly want because you believe you are not good enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, wealthy enough, creative enough – you fill in the blanks – then what you DO believe will create your relationships. For example, if you believe you are not attractive enough and you meet your ideal partner, somehow you will manage to influence that partner to find you less attractive than his or her taste or you will choose someone who is just not that into you. However, if you believe you ARE intelligent enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, wealthy enough, creative enough, good enough, to have a loving relationship, then you will not be willing to stay with someone who does not show appreciation for you, exactly as you are right now. Because you believe you’re okay.
If you have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appear to appreciate you the way you want to be loved, then ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship. What is it that this other person provides for you that seems to take the place of loving appreciation? Can you accept your partner paying your bills, cleaning your home, cooking for you, giving you freedom to explore your world – whatever it is that this partner offers – without receiving the love you desire? Can you accept this and be okay with it? Only you can decide what matters most to you. And if you choose to have material things or a trophy partner without the depth of physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual or mental satisfaction you crave, then your task is to accept your choice and live with it as peacefully as you can.
What is the Cost – of Leaving – of Staying?
Not everyone wants to do what it takes to leave a less than satisfying relationship. The cost of leaving can be much higher than the price of staying. By staying in your imperfect relationship, you may have the comfort of a warm body living in the same home. You may have a steady Saturday night date for dinner or other activities. You may have a partner for holiday parties and family gatherings and vacation trips. You may not have to face the singles world and the inevitable rejections and difficult moments. You may not have to move out of your comfortable living situation and be forced to seek additional employment to cover your expenses. But you may also feel sad, even depressed, angry, even raging, resentful, inadequate, unworthy, and living in fear that your partner will decide to leave.
Now if you decide to break up and move on, you may be facing financial problems that last for years. You may have to relocate to a much less luxurious home with much less money to spend. You may have to work longer hours and have very little social life. You may post singles ads that get very few responses or you may receive many responses from unappealing potential partners. You may find yourself spending evenings and weekends all alone, feeling lost and unhappy. Couples you used to spend time with may stop returning your calls and may actually avoid contact with you. Your task now will be to create a new life for yourself, to join groups and partake in activities that offer the opportunity to connect with others.
WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT?
So, the question to ask yourself is this: What do I really want? Do I want a loving relationship that fulfills my dreams – and – Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that? Let me repeat this. Do I want a loving relationship that fulfills my dreams – and – Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that?
Remember, the first step is to believe it IS possible to create the type of relationship you truly want?
Yes, it IS possible to mold and create your ideal relationship but you have to know how. And most of us have not been taught how to create a loving relationship unless we grew up with a loving role model in our early caretakers. But if your family was like most, there was a certain amount of dysfunction. Communication was not always clean and loving. Behaviors were not always based on the best interests of both partners. Emotions may have been inappropriately expressed or almost totally suppressed and distorted. As a child you may have been overly pampered, overly protected, abused, neglected or forced to become independent at a very young age.
You grow up and fall in love with someone who turns out to have emotional responses exactly the opposite of your own. For example, you tend to suppress your feelings to keep peace but your partner easily explodes and blames you for everything. You keep trying to do better but nothing seems to appease your angry partner. Should you break up and look for an easy going partner, one who doesn’t express such powerful emotions?
Your partner spends money freely, often getting into debt that you think could easily have been avoided. You are so careful with money that you rarely allow yourself to indulge in even small luxuries. You keep wondering why your partner has to waste so much money that should be saved or used for a better purpose. Should you break up and look for a more rational spender?
You fall in love with a partner who dresses impeccably and obviously loves beauty. You are often told to change your outfits and to dress in a more appealing and sexy way. But your natural style is sporty and comfortable. You feel “fake” and unnatural being forced to change your style of dress. Should you break up and seek a partner who doesn’t care so much about clothing and also likes to be comfortable?
Relationships are Simple and Complex
Relationships are simple yet they can be so complex. We choose a partner because they match us in many ways, teach us about our own likes and dislikes, and they satisfy some of our unmet needs from childhood. When you find yourself upset and confused about whether to stay or leave your relationship, the first step is to decide whether you believe that you CAN create a loving relationship? Once you decide you CAN, the next step is to focus on where you are right now. You need to evaluate what is working and what is not working in your relationship. Focus first upon what is working and why that works. Build upon the positive. Even when speaking with your partner, begin with the positive before attempting to create something different.
Okay, you have decided that you CAN create a loving relationship and you have looked at what is working and not working in your current relationship. Next step is to focus on YOU. Review your own life story, your previous relationships with friends, family, co-workers, children, anyone and everyone that comes to mind. Notice your own patterns of relating. Clarify for yourself what you tend to want and expect from others. Next step is to focus on your partner. What does your partner want and need that you have been providing and that you have not been providing?
Now, you are finally ready to approach your partner to start creating your relationship the way you truly want it to be. Warning. Once you begin this process there may be no turning back. Once you start questioning yourself and your partner, once you reveal what you truly want and listen to your partner tell you what he or she wants and needs, you can no longer pretend that you don’t know. Either you can each make the required shift to build a life together or you can’t. If you have made a commitment for life, and you do not want to leave, then your task is to slowly, slowly, over time continue to express yourself and encourage your partner’s self-expression until you both find a way to cross the bridge to each others’ inner worlds.
Don’t Give Up
Creating a loving relationship requires determination, passion, compassion, empathy, freedom of emotional expression, and refraining from automatic responses and judgments. Creating love is an art that can be developed with understanding, knowledge and practice. Creating love is also a science which can be tested and re-tested and validated.
If you are currently in a committed relationship, long term or recently started, don’t give up yet. Follow these simple teachings so that you can determine (from a position of strength and knowledge) whether this is a relationship that can eventually bring you the happiness you desire or if you should, in fact, let go and move on.
If you are currently single and not involved in a committed relationship, then this is a perfect time for you to discover the art and science of creating relationships. What better time to learn how to create a loving relationship than a time when you are free to study, practice and develop your relationship muscles and skills.
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