Create the Relationship You Want
Not the One You Don’t Want

Are You Ready?

Are you ready to create the relationship you really want with the person you choose?  The Love You Want

Really?  Are you sure?  In my experience so many of us say, in words, that we want to create our special relationship but our thoughts and behaviors reveal the opposite.  If you are busy blaming the other person, feeling sorry for yourself, wanting the other person to change, feeling that you are not good enough or that YOU need to change – any of that – you are revealing that you are not quite ready to create your relationships.


When you are focused on self-doubt and insecurity or anger and pointing a finger in blame, then you are automatically reacting and responding instead of consciously creating what you want.

Believe it IS Possible

The first step is to believe it IS possible to create the type of relationship you truly want.  The second step is to know and tell yourself the truth about where you are right now.  If you do not believe it is possible for YOU to have the kind of relationship you truly want because you believe you are not good enough, intelligent enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, wealthy enough, creative enough – you fill in the blanks – then what you DO believe will create your relationships.  For example, if you believe you are not attractive enough and you meet your ideal partner, somehow you will manage to influence that partner to find you less attractive than his or her taste or you will choose someone who is just not that into you.  However, if you believe you ARE intelligent enough, attractive enough, sexy enough, wealthy enough, creative enough, good enough, to have a loving relationship, then you will not be willing to stay with someone who does not show appreciation for you, exactly as you are right now.  Because you believe you’re okay.

If you have chosen to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t appear to appreciate you the way you want to be loved, then ask yourself why you are staying in this relationship.  What is it that this other person provides for you that seems to take the place of loving appreciation?  Can you accept your partner paying your bills, cleaning your home, cooking for you, giving you freedom to explore your world – whatever it is that this partner offers – without receiving the love you desire? Can you accept this and be okay with it? Only you can decide what matters most to you.  And if you choose to have material things or a trophy partner without the depth of physical, emotional, sexual, spiritual or mental satisfaction you crave, then your task is to accept your choice and live with it as peacefully as you can.

What is the Cost – of Leaving – of Staying?

Not everyone wants to do what it takes to leave a less than satisfying relationship.  The cost of leaving can be much higher than the price of staying.  By staying in your imperfect relationship, you may have the comfort of a warm body living in the same home.  You may have a steady Saturday night date for dinner or other activities.  You may have a partner for holiday parties and family gatherings and vacation trips.  You may not have to face the singles world and the inevitable rejections and difficult moments.  You may not have to move out of your comfortable living situation and be forced to seek additional employment to cover your expenses.  But you may also feel sad, even depressed, angry, even raging, resentful, inadequate, unworthy, and living in fear that your partner will decide to leave.

Now if you decide to break up and move on, you may be facing financial problems that last for years.  You may have to relocate to a much less luxurious home with much less money to spend.  You may have to work longer hours and have very little social life.  You may post singles ads that get very few responses or you may receive many responses from unappealing potential partners.  You may find yourself spending evenings and weekends all alone, feeling lost and unhappy.  Couples you used to spend time with may stop returning your calls and may actually avoid contact with you.  Your task now will be to create a new life for yourself, to join groups and partake in activities that offer the opportunity to connect with others.


So, the question to ask yourself is this:  What do I really want?  Do I want a loving relationship that fulfills my dreams – and – Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that?  Let me repeat this.  Do I want a loving relationship that fulfills my dreams – and – Am I willing to do whatever it takes to get that?

Remember, the first step is to believe it IS possible to create the type of relationship you truly want?

Yes, it IS possible to mold and create your ideal relationship but you have to know how.  And most of us have not been taught how to create a loving relationship unless we grew up with a loving role model in our early caretakers.  But if your family was like most, there was a certain amount of dysfunction.  Communication was not always clean and loving.  Behaviors were not always based on the best interests of both partners.  Emotions may have been inappropriately expressed or almost totally suppressed and distorted.  As a child you may have been overly pampered, overly protected, abused, neglected or forced to become independent at a very young age.

You grow up and fall in love with someone who turns out to have emotional responses exactly the opposite of your own.  For example, you tend to suppress your feelings to keep peace but your partner easily explodes and blames you for everything.  You keep trying to do better but nothing seems to appease your angry partner.  Should you break up and look for an easy going partner, one who doesn’t express such powerful emotions?

Your partner spends money freely, often getting into debt that you think could easily have been avoided.  You are so careful with money that you rarely allow yourself to indulge in even small luxuries.  You keep wondering why your partner has to waste so much money that should be saved or used for a better purpose.  Should you break up and look for a more rational spender?

You fall in love with a partner who dresses impeccably and obviously loves beauty.  You are often told to change your outfits and to dress in a more appealing and sexy way.  But your natural style is sporty and comfortable.  You feel “fake” and unnatural being forced to change your style of dress.  Should you break up and seek a partner who doesn’t care so much about clothing and also likes to be comfortable?

Relationships are Simple and Complex

Relationships are simple yet they can be so complex.  We choose a partner because they match us in many ways, teach us about our own likes and dislikes, and they satisfy some of our unmet needs from childhood. When you find yourself upset and confused about whether to stay or leave your relationship, the first step is to decide whether you believe that you CAN create a loving relationship?  Once you decide you CAN, the next step is to focus on where you are right now.  You need to evaluate what is working and what is not working in your relationship.  Focus first upon what is working and why that works.  Build upon the positive.  Even when speaking with your partner, begin with the positive before attempting to create something different.

Okay, you have decided that you CAN create a loving relationship and you have looked at what is working and not working in your current relationship.  Next step is to focus on YOU.  Review your own life story, your previous relationships with friends, family, co-workers, children, anyone and everyone that comes to mind.  Notice your own patterns of relating.   Clarify for yourself what you tend to want and expect from others.  Next step is to focus on your partner.  What does your partner want and need that you have been providing and that you have not been providing?

Now, you are finally ready to approach your partner to start creating your relationship the way you truly want it to be.  Warning.  Once you begin this process there may be no turning back.  Once you start questioning yourself and your partner, once you reveal what you truly want and listen to your partner tell you what he or she wants and needs, you can no longer pretend that you don’t know.  Either you can each make the required shift to build a life together or you can’t.  If you have made a commitment for life, and you do not want to leave, then your task is to slowly, slowly, over time continue to express yourself and encourage your partner’s self-expression until you both find a way to cross the bridge to each others’ inner worlds.

Don’t Give Up

Creating a loving relationship requires determination, passion, compassion, empathy, freedom of emotional expression, and refraining from automatic responses and judgments.  Creating love is an art that can be developed with understanding, knowledge and practice.  Creating love is also a science which can be tested and re-tested and validated.

If you are currently in a committed relationship, long term or recently started, don’t give up yet.  Follow these simple teachings so that you can determine (from a position of strength and knowledge) whether this is a relationship that can eventually bring you the happiness you desire or if you should, in fact, let go and move on.

If you are currently single and not involved in a committed relationship, then this is a perfect time for you to discover the art and science of creating relationships.  What better time to learn how to create a loving relationship than a time when you are free to study, practice and develop your relationship muscles and skills.

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Dr. Erica

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Dr. Erica Goodstone is a Spiritual Relationship Healing Expert helping men and women heal their bodies and their relationships through love. Having presented her comprehensive relationship healing programs throughout the U.S. and Canada over several decades, she has helped literally 1000's of men and women to heal through learning how to love. Dr. Erica believes "Where There is Love There IS a Way". When you love, accept, listen and pay attention to your body, trust your own sense of what you truly desire, and strive to understand, appreciate and really know the other people in your life, anything and everything is possible.

Latest posts by Dr. Erica Goodstone (see all)

38 thoughts on “
Create the Relationship You Want
Not the One You Don’t Want

  1. Yeah I agree completely with if you believe something then that thing will some how come about…It’s like if you believed your partner was having an affair because they were late coming back from work, you would work yourself up and when they return you would be argumentative and hostile…And in turn down the line this might cause problems in your relationship.

    Whereas if you seen the same situation as they your partner was stuck in traffic and was trying to rush home to come and see you, then when he/she gets back, you will be in a better mind-set as you perceived that situation as a positive

  2. Very sound advice, Dr. Erica.

    We need to be clear about the kind of relationships we want in life (as well as in business), and then work toward bringing them to fruition.

    It’s always easier to complain about how things are not working out the way we want them to, rather than taking the action required to creating what we want for ourselves. It’s a commitment that we need to adhere to, and not just “give up” on the moment we get disappointed or challenged.

    • David,

      You have touched on something so important. Relationships and other people can sometimes be so disappointing. We have a dream, a fantasy or an idea of the way our relationship “should” be, the way the other person “should” think and feel and behave. If we give up in those moments, we may also lose out on long term loving relationship we really want.


      Dr. Erica

  3. I really like how you pointed out the advantages and disadvantages of staying in a relationship. It seems, too often, the common idea out there is to move on if everything isn’t perfect and you’re not getting things met on all levels. It’s much more complicated than that and I like how you offer a balanced approach to really get people thinking about what they truly, deeply want.

    • Karen,

      You are so right. Relationships can be quite complex. We are attracted to a particular person for many reasons that can take a lot of inner work to understand. So just leaving that person, without resolving the internal conflicts will probably result in our repeating the experience with someone else. We learn so much about our own self by being in relationship with someone else – and often we don’t like what we are learning. It can be so much easier to point a finger and blame the other for our own blind spots, insecurities and fear.


      Dr. Erica

  4. Such wonderful advice! My husband and I just celebrated 16 years and I’m blessed to have found someone that I absolutely love spending my life with.

    While no marriage is perfect, I can attest to the immense value in pushing through the tough times in order to see better days. It makes every day more worthwhile!

    • Rebekah,

      I love to hear from people like you who have found love that lasts over time. You have worked through some rough spots, I am sure. But there is something comforting about knowing a partner so well over a long period of time. The trust and bond can be so beautiful.

      Dr. Erica

  5. Great article .. I can see benefits of staying in a relationship. Too many times it seems people want to “jump ship” when things get tough. Always wonderful to read your perspective and advice…

    • Lesly,

      Thanks for stopping by and your supportive comment. Relationships are a give and take and we need to decide for our own self which would be more beneficial and less costly, to stay, attempt to improve what we can and accept the rest, or to leave.

      Dr. Erica

  6. Hey Dr. Erika,

    Relationships can be simple but yet complex at times just like you said. But from what I learn in the past is that we all have to be aligned with ourselves first or else we will take it out our ‘lack’ on our partners. Then on top of that, we talk about this ‘lack’ with others and this could either make us or break us.

    Yes there are some positives and negatives whether we choose to stay with our partners or leave them. I’ve never been married, but I have been in a couple of toxic relationships. The fact that better things came to me showed me it was beneficial that I left these relationships

    Thanks for sharing! have a great weekend!

    • Sherman,

      That can be a good measure of whether it was worth leaving a relationship – if something much better, someone more easily compatible – comes into your life. But sometimes the new person looks better for awhile until you get comfortable together over time. A few months or years later, the unmet needs may start to surface and then the relationship seems to resemble the previous one. Sooner or later, we have to, as you said, “be aligned with ourself” and stop expecting the other person to provide for us, to make up for our own inadequacies.


      Dr. Erica

  7. Inspiring Dr. Erica. I learned a very important lesson about the power of the non spoken message we display to the world about who we are many years ago when a friend and decided to head to San Francisco for the weekend. We were both single at the time and in the mood for some flirtatious fun. Nada. Not a nibble and we were so bugged by that one evening at a club we struck up a conversation with a pretty cute guy and actually asked asked him about his impressions of us and told him why. He laughed and told us there wasn’t a thing wrong with us other than the fact both of us were putting out this “Don’t even think of getting close!” vibes. Needless to say we were both pretty stunned but after I thought about it I realized it made sense because that “vibe” was something my Dad drilled into me growing up as a form of “protection” and I just never realized how over time it had become the “me” that I showed to the world.

    • Marquita,

      Wasn’t that brave of both of you to ask this guy about his perception of you. I once did that with a guy I liked and he told me his “secret” for a woman to know: “Be sexy, be mysterious” and I forgot the 3rd one – probably the most important. LOL


      Dr. Erica

  8. I love that you pointed out the advantages of staying in what may seem like an imperfect relationship. Too many authors and counselors do not do this and overlook a lot of the background “bargaining” that an individual is doing in a challenging situation.


    • Kim,

      That is exactly what we have to do in a relationship that seems less than perfect. We have to bargain and decide whether we feel that we are receiving the better end of the bargain. Alex Mandossian has described business deals that way, as a bargain. We don’t often realize that all relationships involve some sort of bargaining – beauty for money, wisdom for innocence….


      Dr. Erica

  9. Dr. Erika,
    I luckily had the opportunity to marry a second time after losing my husband of 34 years to cancer. I made sure that I took my time and found someone that I would love to spend the rest of my life with. I did such a lousy job picking the first one (I was young and nieve) that I was very careful, and it paid off. We get along famously, because we respect each other’s wants and needs, something both of us learned through many years of hardship and heartache with our former partners. I LOVED you article, and hope to come back for more! Thank you for sharing!

    • Diane,

      I have been pleasantly surprised to see how many of my online friends have created wonderful relationships, usually not their first marriage. As I have often said, I believe we fall in love with someone who we unconsciously believe will help us to heal from our unmet childhood wounds and needs. If we live with that partner long enough to really feel the pain and gradually release it, when we choose our next partner we can really select someone to be compatible and to share a good life together.

      You are fortunate to have discovered this and have the opportunity to have a beautiful life with your current husband.


      Dr. Erica

  10. I love reading your posts and after being married four times I can relate to a lot of what you say. Keep them coming!!

  11. I fell for someone who had different emotional responses and turned out to have different needs for socializing. We moved countries and left old friends behind. Socialization for my husband became all business related. I got busy with bringing up my family so I ignored this . It was not until I had more time for me that the problems really emerged. We were together for 25 years.

    My partner of 10 years is different and meets my needs much better.

    • Sue,

      Your situation is not unusual. I believe we fall in love with someone who will help us heal some unfinished emotional business from childhood. And that can take years of having a deep experience for the healing to finally occur. Then, when we decide to leave, we no longer seek that same type of relationship. Many people find love and peace in a new relationship. However, if someone leaves that first relationship before truly healing, then the next partner will probably have many similar traits and evoke similar upsetting emotions.

      Glad you have found a suitable partner now.


      Dr. Erica

  12. Lots to consider here. I think the best advice was “refraining from automatic responses and judgments.” That is a biggy and most people never learn how to do that. Refraining from judging others is like nailing Jello to a tree. Yet judgments, no matter how small, are often the triggers that bring about the automatic responses. In any relationship, that can be the deal breaker.

    • Mary,

      We can’t stop automatically judging others but we can step back before speaking. We can feel what we feel and think what we think and still allow our mind to be open to other possibilities. Someone who appears weak because they are quiet may be stronger that the loud person who bullies others. In relationships we really need to find out what the other person is thinking and feeling or why they said or did something we didn’t like. Before jumping to conclusions, we need to ask and maybe ask some more until we are satisfied that we do understand.


      Dr. Erica

  13. Hi Dr.Erica I was married once and we where happy for a while and then thing just when weird and end up divorce….. I did have another relation few years later very short this time. Now I’m single but when I see couple that lass for long time I feel jealous a bit…. I just envies them This is probably not a good attitude. I’m scare to try again because I hate the rupture feeling. Your article was very inspirational to me you did mention a lot of point to considered….
    Thank for teaching us so well

    • Helene,

      If you feel sad when you see couples together, that is a sign that you really do want to find a loving partner. However, if you just go out looking and find someone, you will probably repeat old patterns and create similar unsatisfying interactions. The solution is to do that inner work suggested – learn about you – your likes, dislikes, needs, strengths, weaknesses, fears, dreams. You CAN do it alone but it is so much easier with a trained professional. Just as it is easier to learn a sport or any other skill with an instructor that to be self-taught, relationship skills can also be taught. And when you feel accountable to someone else, that can cause you to keep practicing what you are learning.


      Dr. Erica


      Dr. Erica

  14. That was strange as I placed my words on this site and started to comment it just stopped and made me start at the beginning. Maybe a sign?

    Well, my point was after being married over 19 years come this November to the same woman. I loved her from the first day my eyes connected as she walked closure to get introduced for a job she was going for. Since then I believe in each day a wild adventure and it works with what we choose together and the things we do apart.

    If I find that each week my adventures I take off alone and then come back with much to share works. That is the way we keep it going for all these years. With here condition now, she is not able to go every place with me and really prefer not to sometimes. I love traveling to libraries and reading books for them in the mornings.

    There are so many new things out there we feel that together we will explore and compare our feelings and findings. Then there are places we to not go together and even more is shared in a story telling way. It works and when you find a person you love unconditionally it will work for you to. Just do not limit your activities nor theirs. You both have unique task and that must be filled sometimes without being around each other to do so. Who the heck states that you have to do everything together as such in books and movies? That is why you enjoy them so much based on it is not my reality nor my wife’s. Is it yours?

    Thank you Dr. Erica always much respect and honor. I will continue to support your site with eagerness knowing new things I will discover about me and my wife. You are a remarkable person to dedicate your life in helping all of us. I really appreciate all you do and pray others will edify you each time they interact you deserve it!

    • William,

      You are certainly blessed to have found a woman you loved almost immediately – and that love has remained over all these years. You have something figured out. It is so important to leave each other space to be our selves and to do what we most want to do. If someone gives up activities they want to engage in or people they want to see in order to please you, they will very soon start to build resentment and the spark will go out of the relationship. I like the way you described it as coming back with a story to share. That is beautiful. You and your wife are lucky to have found each other.


      Dr. Erica

  15. Good advise for people who want create
    a good relationship ,changing or blaming
    each other does not work ,we need to accept
    our partner how he or she is.
    If this is not possible it will not work .
    thank you ,Erica

    • Erika,

      Too many people find a person they like, at first, and then spend time trying to change the person to become something different than they are. If you cannot accept another person as they are, then it is best to split up. Many couples cause each other tremendous suffering because of this.


      Dr. Erica

  16. I appreciate you shooting straight with your advice. I think if we beat around the bush to much, nothing get shaken loose; and we’re not able to make adjustments.

    It’s so true that “we fall in love with someone who turns out to have emotional responses exactly the opposite of your own.” Strange how that happens, but it does.

    Great article! Thank you for the advice,


    • Robb,

      Yes, it is strange how we manage to “fall in love” with someone who has an opposite way of expressing and dealing with emotions, money, making plans, socializing and so much more. Together we can wear away our resistance and create a strong bond that brings out the best in each of us.


      Dr. Erica

  17. Hi Erica,

    Every time I read a post of yours, it takes me back to my life with my husband. I know we were not perfect but I do see that most everything we did in our relationship would have lasted a long and happy time had he not been taken away so soon.

    Thank you for your wonderful posts. Monna

    • Monna,

      You had a gift that not so many people ever experience. Sad that it ended so quickly but at least you had it for as long as it lasted.


      Dr. Erica

  18. Dr. Erika
    Long time since we have communicated. I Just came back to B3 this week. Huge differences, I think good ones. Now to your article, It is GREAT. I related to many of the things you said. Erika This is wonderful advise. My wife and I have been married for 40 years now and I can attest to many of the things that you advocate in your article. Have a very blessed week Dr. Erika

    • Ross,

      40 years – bless you both. That is a true accomplishment, not just staying together for so long but for feeling good about it. Seems you have created the relationship you DO want.


      Dr. Erica

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