When I work with couples, one of them inevitably exclaims: “I love him” or “I love her”?
We cannot argue with a feeling. These people “feel” love. They find certain qualities of the other person appealing and worth loving. Often they “feel” a strong sexual attraction. Sometimes they “feel” comfortable, even content, because they “feel” as if they belong, they are home, they are secure with this other person. Some feel that they can just relax and just be, no longer needing to do anything to “prove” their love. “Isn’t it enough that I say I love you?” “I’m still with you. Isn’t that proof enough that I love you?”
Hmm! So familiar and so unsatisfying. If you have been in a relationship with an intimate partner, or even a so-called close friend, and the other person “feels” that they no longer have to make any effort to show their love, express their concern or remind you how much they appreciate and value you, is that really “love”?
Love is a Feeling and an Emotion.
Love is the most wonderfully expansive feeling that exists. When we love, the whole world is beautiful. Our immediate environment, the weather, our finances – nothing seems so important and no problems seem insurmountable. When we love, life is a glorious adventure to be lived.
However, if we keep that loving feeling inside our own mind, if we don’t continue to share that love with others, if we don’t remind them often that we do love them, how can they know. Yes, they might feel the loving energy you project. Yes, they might assume that you love them even though you hardly show it. But something is wrong with this picture.
Love is an Action
Love is not just a feeling and an emotion. Love is a behavior, and action. And love is not just one action, one time. Just as we need to be consistent in our studies for a career, in our program to get physically fit or lost weight, we also need to develop a consistent practice of loving behavior. And love definitely takes lots of practice.
No matter how much we claim to “love” another person, inevitably they will disappoint us, annoy us, or even behave toward us in unloving and unacceptable ways. When the other person does not live up to our expectations and does not satisfy our current desires and needs, that is when “love” gets tested. And I can assure you that any relationship we get involved with WILL test our ability to love and sustain loving behavior.
Love is Noun
Love is a noun, a way of being, a way of viewing, and a way of responding – in the moment, every moment. My favorite words, written by Neale Donald Walsh in his powerful book Conversations With God, are: What would love do now?
In every moment of every day ask yourself this question. If I am loving, if I want to show love and be love, what would I do now? But there is a catch here, a trick to the question that has most of us stumped. The first part of the answer has to do with “me”. What would love do now – for ME? Add this extra piece to the love question and it becomes: “If I am loving, if I want to show love and be love, what would I do now FOR ME?
Your immediate response to this might be, “Isn’t that just selfish thinking?” “Isn’t that being too self-centered?” I thought love was about giving to the other person, understanding the other person, and not focusing on myself.
The Key to Love
Now we have arrived at the heart of the matter. We cannot love when we only focus on the other person, giving love to them or receiving love from them. It is not about giving and receiving. Love, to be understood, felt and lived is not about doing, it’s not even about feeling. Love is about BEING – being aware in the moment of how I feel, how I am responding and how the other person’s words or actions or way of being are affecting ME.
Asking the question What would love do now FOR ME? makes the appropriate response so much easier to elicit. If you love another person and want to continue this relationship, then what love might do FOR ME, NOW, would be to not make a big deal out of the current disappointment or dissatisfaction. The most loving thing FOR ME in this moment might be to just listen, attempt to understand, and show appreciation for the other person – because – he or she will remember how good that moment felt and may surprise me at a later date with some loving gesture.
However, if the most loving thing FOR ME is to stop the behavior I do not like or to end the relationship, my response might be very different. I would not just want to listen and pretend to be attentive, when I want to express my lack of tolerance for some behavior or attitude. I might just choose to be quiet and listen but my internal experience will be very different from what might have been an uncontrolled outburst of anger or hurt.
Love is Feeling, Doing and Being
Love is a a feeling, an emotion, a complex set of attitudes and expressions, a set of behaviors and actions as well as a way of being with another person, in the world, in your life. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Dr. Albert Einstein, in a poignant letter to his daughter, wrote:
I made a simple substitution in my famous equation. If instead of E=mc2, we accept that the energy to heal the world can be obtained through love multiplied the speed of light squared, we arrive at the conclusion that love is the most powerful force there is, because it has no limits.”
Are you tired of relationship struggles, ups and downs, ins and outs of love?
Would you like to experience the power of your own limitless love?
Join me for a 30 day total immersion into love. Did you know that it takes about 30 days to develop a new habit? Of course, after that we need to practice the skills we have learned to help that habit become a permanent lifestyle choice. In 30 days you will finally understand what love IS, what love IS NOT, in which ways you express love and how you interfere with, sabotage or even block love (consciously or unconsciously).
There is so much to know about love. Love IS our natural way of being. Observe any baby or your beloved house pet. But life, family, circumstances, experiences and all the people we meet or know from a distance, all this and so much more affects, alters and influences the way we give love, receive love, behave in love and respond in love.
JOIN THIS SPECIAL 30 DAY LOVE COURSE
Contact Me for a healing love consultation.
Learn how to love so that you can create or re-create your own loving relationship.
Get on the Early List for Love Lessons for The Soul (formerly the 30 Day Love Challenge) which will start soon.
In the meantime….
Let this be YOUR TIME TO CREATE LOVE AND PASSION AND INTIMACY
With love and caring,