When you start out on a long trip toward a specific destination, you need a map, a guideline, something to follow that will lead you where you want to go. In this technological era many of us no longer use physical maps. We tend, instead to rely upon an automated voice or some other navigational system that will tell us the distance, what roads to take, where to turn, and how much longer the trip will take. Most of us do not attempt to take a long trip toward a definite destination without at least some form of guidance and direction.
Navigating the pathways to love can be just as tricky and dangerous if we don’t know where we are headed or how to get there. When you are ready to love and you want to create a loving relationship, You Need A LOVE MAP. Yes, you might accidentally take the right steps, meet the right person, and do the right things that lead you to a lifetime of love. Most of us are not so fortunate. We stumble and fall over and over again because we have not spent the time, right from the start, to create and follow our own love map.
What Is A Love Map?
A prominent physician and researcher focused on sexuality and gender identity issues, Dr. John Money, originally coined the term “Love Map” to understand your unique sexual interests, preferences and desires. The prominent psychologist and researcher, Dr. John Gottman, focused on what sustains loving relationships, marriage and commitment for couples, used the term Love Map as getting to know your partner’s inner world and building a Sound Relationship House.
You Already Have A Love Map
Your Love Map has already been formed, probably within the first 18 months of life. In my doctoral disseration I elaborated on the the work of Dr. Margaret Mahler, psychologist who studied the emotional effects of mother- infant bonding in the first 3 years of life. It turns out that the first few months are the most significant and the first 18 months help to establish your inner world, the way you perceive yourself and others. Our likes and preferences seem to start really, really early, earlier than most of us realize.
If this is true, which research seems to corroborate, then our task is not to develop a new Love Map but to explore the Love Map that exists within our own inner world. First, we need to look at what is going on in our life right now.
- Are we happy in our relationships?
- Do we long for something we don’t currently have?
- Are we attempting to fit into our version of society rather than discovering our own unique preferences and desires?
As I said above, our Love Map develops really early but it is not set in stone. All of our life experiences either reinforce the original pieces of our Love Map or guide us toward creating new perspectives, new attitudes and new beliefs. Science has revealed that our brains have plasticity. Our brains calls can grow and expand or shrink and wither away depending upon how and what we feed our brains.
Build Your Love Map
You can understand so much more about the way you love and why you love and the partners you choose to love by building your Love Map. There are many ways to approach this.
Download the My Love Map for a more detailed explanation.
Download the LOVE MAP TIMELINE to organize important markers in your life.
Are You Ready For Love?
The very first step before seeking love is to decide if you are ready for love. You may not be ready to do what it takes to love – and that’s okay. You may want to explore your options, play the field, meet lots of new and interesting and different men and women. You may be focused on business, profession or career building. You may have special children that need all your attention or aging parents to care for.
If you are not ready for love, then don’t agonize over trying to find someone. Just appreciate what you currently have and do what you currently need to do. However, if you are ready for love, isn’t it worth your while to study love, to learn what you need to know so that you can create happy, satisfying and loving relationships?
If You Are Ready For Love
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Warmly,
Dr. Erica Goodstone
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Hello Dr Erica,
This Love Map of yours is very interesting, I had no idea that our love lives could be mapped out for us at such a young age.. HUM??
Quite the post. Thanks for sharing
Have a Great Thanksgiving my friend
Chery :))
Chery,
Not only our Love Map but also our Business Map starts really early. All those shoulds and shouldn’t, all those judgements of who is and is not successful, all those productive and not so productive role models around us help to create the way we view love, money and lifestyle. Part of becoming truly successful is to let go of attitudes, beliefs and memories that no longer serve us.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr. Erica,
Your post “Are you ready for love?” was interesting and well-written.
Didn’t know about ‘love maps’ or how early they’re developed…Interesting.
I guess I got lucky because, as of 12-13-15 I’ve loved the same girl for 43 years.
Better to be lucky than smart, perhaps?
Thanks,
Edward
Edward,
When love has gone easily and somewhat smoothly for you, it is difficult to fathom that so many people struggle and suffer in relationships. Either they choose a partner who doesn’t reciprocate love or they them self do not know how to love and create problems in the relationship. Also, there are many factors beyond our control – a partner getting sick, an emotional involvement with someone outside the marriage, inlaw problems, parenting problems, etc.
Consider yourself very fortunate.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica..
Interesting post .. never thought of having or exploring a “Love Map”. I shall ponder this. Always enjoying visiting your site for the information you offer. Love today is so important for becoming a better person, for inspiration, it is the essence that nurtures us all …
Lesly,
If we know and develop our love map at an early age, we can create such wonderful relationships. But we can examine our love map later in life too by reflecting on our experiences, good and bad and gaining a clear understanding of what we want, who we want to associate with, how we want to feel, and what we plan to experience and achieve.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
That is amazing to think that we could have everything in place for love by such an early age. I do understand that other things may be factored in. I have to say that I have found my love and we’ve been married for 36 years this month. Interestsing article.
BG,
So glad that you found the right love for you and that it has lasted 36 years and going strong. Society nowadays seems to promote discarding relationships when there are some problems, moving on to someone new quickly – as if it is effortless. Many people are actually sorry awhile later because the single world can be much more difficult than anticipated.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Fascinating Dr Erica!
To think we develop our Love Map so early on is amazing, and I presume we follow this unless we consciously change it, after seeing our pattern for ourselves.
I recognise from your post that there are times in our lives when we are not ready for love, and I can see these in my past. Times when in hindsight I would have spent more time appreciating my freedom and time and space for myself instead of searching for recognition.
Like most areas in life, a map is good, and a Love Map is a new concept, and the sex / love mix is I’m sure interesting to look at.
My life Love Map seems to have been up down and round the houses, but now I’m 17 years into a happy Love relationship, so all’s good!
I am interested in how to build a love map though, such a brilliant post Dr Erica 😀
warm wishes,
~ Jacs
Jacs,
My immediate response to you is this: If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. Since you have been enjoying a love relationship for 17 years, then all is going well and there is no need to delve deeper and look for trouble.
But for people who are single and struggling or in a long term relationship with lots of friction and unhappiness, it is a good idea for them to explore their own and their partner’s love map to see how they can help each other to feel more love or decide to split up and move on.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Dr.Erica,
I never heard of a love map before ,
but after reading your interesting post ,
I think it would be very necessary for many to have
one . I saw often people going in relationship
without really knowing each other and many confuse sex
with love. This bring a lot of broken hearts and misery.
Good if many would find out about this love map and get a
deeper understanding of themselves and about what love
in a relationship really means.
Thank you
Erika
Erika,
I could have certainly used a Love Map when I was dating. Being in a doctoral program focused on sexuality and marriage, I thought the sexual relationship was primary. Yes, It is very important for a good marriage to last but there is so much more that has to be there for love to endure and for the relationship to thrive.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
I landed here from the comment you left in my blog and find it really interesting to know more about you since this is my first visit in your blog. Great to see all your good work here. Hoping to read more posts from you soon and have more ideas and views from you.
Have a great time.
Keep Sharing
Cheers
Reji Stephenson
Hi Reji,
Thanks for stopping by. My goal is to help people create and re-create more lasting love in all their relationships – not a small undertaking.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Makes total sense Dr. Erica
Where were you 43 years ago when I was looking for THE ONE!
Love with a lifelong partner is something we could use a little help with.
I’m fortunate and have found the right one but there were lots of times I could have used a map .
I’m sure lots of folks could use this guide
Mary,
So glad that you were able to connect with the right lifelong partner. It really is so much easier when we know who we are and have a clear vision of what we want and need and what will support the life we want to live. But some of us get lucky through trial and error.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hello Erica!
What an interesting post! I had no Love Map nor was I into personality types or astrology. I must say, my first husband (the Love of My LIFE), was a great blessing indeed!
Now, he’s been gone 26 years now. I am remarried but I am older and wiser. I wish I would have had my Love Map when I was dating again!
I will share so that others may benefit.
Thank you Erica for the fabulous information!
Deborah
Deborah,
How wonderful to have found the love of your life at an early age and to feel that he was a blessing. When we are young and open it is so good to connect with another person who is loving and open. What a gift. But so many people have deep emotional wounds and tend to take out their frustrations and hurt on those closest to them, their most intimate partners. And that can set someone off on a negative cycle in their future relationships. So important to take stock of where we are and what we truly want and need and desire before jumping into a new relationship, or at least while we are heavily involved in a new relationship.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
The work of Dr. Margaret Mahler, psychologist who studied the emotional effects of mother- infant bonding in the first 3 years of life. It turns out that the first few months are the most significant and the first 18 months help to establish your inner world, the way you perceive yourself and others.
Interesting I was thinking though of my husband who was adopted at 3 yrs of age. Perhaps his road map was somewhat messed up as he was an abused/neglected child. We were never sure of his life back then.
My road map though was pretty normal in that respect. I was ready for love and answered his ad in the newspaper. We were so lucky to find each other. 30 years together.
Kathryn,
The brain is pliable and the family that adopted your husband must have given him lots of love and helped to fill his brain with the knowledge and belief that he is loved. That is what really counts. And maybe he learned to appreciate love because of his early abuse and neglect. Sounds as if you fit together well and you also provided him with the kind of love he was wanting.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
Very interesting – and probably just reading your post explains where I’ve been going wrong.
My son tells me to “Find a fella”, but – like Monna – I’m feeling more engrossed in my work at the moment. I’ve got too used to enjoying my freedom.
However, for people who would like a relationship, it sounds like a good approach. Will share 🙂
Joy
Joy,
There is nothing wrong with being engrossed in work. I have certainly been there lately. A relationship takes time and lots of energy. Many people just want the benefits without putting in the work. In a relationship it is not always about getting what we want. It is more about giving and accepting. Our time can be taken up with family obligations, social events, financial drains. So when you are ready, when your business builds to the level where you feel satisfied, maybe then you will have a different desire. We do have to honor our own needs and desires wherever we are currently at.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica,
If I didn’t have something like the love map you are explaining, I would ever have been with David. 25 years of a wonderful relationship I couldn’t dream of before I made that “map”
I had to do a lot of inner work to realize that I deserved the love that I have now. Before that, it was one disaster after another.
-Donna
Donna,
You are a living example of someone who didn’t just let the past control your future. So many of us do not take the time to evaluate what is happening to us and why. Many people just blame circumstances, their family and the person they love. The truth is that the person we have to look is our self and discover what we can learn and adjust and discover and do differently to attain the love we desire and anything else we want.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica
Hi Erica, A very interesting post. A new way to look at things. I’m not ready for any kind of relationship yet; still too soon and I am focused on my work.
I will share this for you and know that many will benefit from it.
Thanks Monna,
Sometimes we hit it just right without planning. Some people are just lucky in business and in romance. For most of us, it really helps to have a deep understanding of who we are, what we want and desire, and what it might take to live our dreams.
Thanks for stopping by and for sharing this.
Warmly,
Dr. Erica