Recently, I created an e book all about choosing different places to meet the love of your life. And I know it works. So many people have met, and continue to meet, a wonderful partner – and often for life – by thinking creatively and keeping their eyes open to possibilities. But something was left out of that book, and I feel compelled to write about it now.
Any one of us, if we create an attractive appearance, smile and reach out in a friendly and inviting manner, and speak in appealing ways, can meet and connect with someone new. But what happens after that initial meeting? Do we feel so excited by the possibility of love and romance and sexual pleasure that we overlook warning signs and red flags about this person, probably a total stranger before we started talking?
I suggest that we set up a few boundaries before allowing our self to fall deeply in love with a new person that we hardly know. So often, I speak to someone who has just met “the love of his or her life” and is imagining walking out into the sunset together for a lifetime. That sounds wonderful but is it realistic? Are you prepared for the dangers or problems that may occur?
Not everyone is mentally healthy and balanced. Not everyone is financially stable. Not everyone is authentic, honest and reliable. Not everyone is loyal, faithful and monogamous. Not everyone faces problems and handles them. Not everyone is able to express love, feel compassion and empathy, or appreciate a loving partner. And some people can behave in downright dangerous, life threatening ways.
Last week I published 2 articles about horrific murder-suicides (1 about a distraught mother, and one about several distraught spouses) committed by women and men toward their own spouses and children and themselves. Could the victims in these circumstances have known in advance the enormity of the danger? Is there something that could have been done early on to keep each partner feeling secure and loved in the relationship?
If you meet someone new that appears to be the most wonderful person you have ever met, enjoy the moment and the delicious feeling of limerance and lust. But please pay attention to those seemingly harmless words that hurt and your subtle body responses that warn you that something may not be right – pain, tension, nausea…. Don’t ignore your intuition when this wonderful man talks about the awful woman he just broke up with. Don’t just take his word for it. Find out for yourself from his friends or colleagues or anyone who knows him, just what really happened. Don’t ignore the new woman’s comments when she tells you her last 3 boyfriends or husbands cheated on her. Either she is attracted to men who cannot be monogamous or she has a sexual problem and pushes the men away, or there is some other issue not being discussed. If you are gay and you connect with a man or woman who has dated or been married to someone of the opposite sex, discover for yourself if this person is willing to identify as gay and live the gay lifestyle.
Fortunately, most people are not extremists and do not become violent, abusive or coercively controlling. But many people have unresolved emotional problems, chemical and other addictions, sexual dysfunctions, family entanglements and other issues that need to be sorted out, examined and clarified. If you truly know another person and you have a clear picture of what you are getting into if you make a serious commitment, that is great. Just don’t take it all lightly.
If you are seeking a new job, you would probably do some research about the company. Why not do the same for your own personal relationships? And this also applies to getting involved in business relationships. The right business relationship can transform your life and catapult you to limitless success. But the wrong partner can lead you toward bankruptcy or even legal problems.
Take your life seriously. Look for love in all the possible places but avoid going down blind alleys. Know yourself, know the other person, understand how the world works and how love develops. Reach out for counseling before you make a lifelong commitment. If that wonderful new partner refuses to join you, go by yourself and check off that first warning sign. Love is open, caring, willing, receptive and respectful. Respect yourself. Expect to be treated well. Enjoy the pleasures of being in love.
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